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I feel like I should go play emo music, dress all in black and write really bad bad poetry.

It's not really the end of the world. Just, there was this gal I knew, I met her through fandom. And we clicked and it was *amazing* and almost *eerie* how much we groked each other. And even though we lived far apart (alas, internet friends, why do you all live so FAR AWAY! WOE!) we talked on the phone and had traded many an email and IMed and visited in person and... well. You get the picture.

But over time... drift. You all know what that's like. Life is busy. Family. School. Moving. Work. Kids. Even though I kept reaching out, after a while, she just stopped reaching back.

I finally gave up on trying to re-connect. While I am persistent and sometimes slow to pick up on certain social cues (there is a reason I identify with McKay!), I can be taught and will eventually realize that someone just doesn't want to talk to me. But the other day, I gave into temptation. I sent a quick, drive-by ping to say, "thinking about you! Hope you are well!" and she actually responded. It was like nothing had changed! We talked and joked for over an hour. I really missed her, and I was so happy to have a few minutes of her time. Sadly, it's back to the way it was before, where she just doesn't answer my emails, or respond to my IMs.

I don't know why I let it bother me so. I guess it's just that I really *like* her and I wanted to have that connection with her. But she clearly doesn't feel the same level of friendship. A therapist once told me that I have to accept people for who they are, not who I want them to be. Sucks, but that's life.

I'm pretty sure it's not malicious; she's just not that kind of person. But man, it brings up high schoolesque insecurities LIEK WHOA. I guess the bottom line is, she's just not that into me.

*snort* I need a new tag - "So High School".

Comments

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
enigmaticblues
Jul. 15th, 2015 01:08 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I had that happen to me before, and it really does suck.
shaddyr
Jul. 16th, 2015 04:02 am (UTC)
*somewhat clingy hug*
lunabee34
Jul. 15th, 2015 03:19 pm (UTC)
Oh, honey. That's not high school, that's just life. It hurts when people stop being close to you, bottom line. I completely understand and sympathize.
shaddyr
Jul. 16th, 2015 04:03 am (UTC)
*glomps*
sgamadison
Jul. 15th, 2015 05:03 pm (UTC)
I read an article recently in which a woman talked about having 'different shelves' for different friends, and the degree of involvement she had with them. I'm not sure I got the point of the post, except that she wanted a kind of intimacy with her former BFF and *she* was the one holding back because of some perceived slight/feeling she couldn't trust the BFF or something. In other words, it might not be you.

The second point I want to make is I'm constantly bemoaning the lack of interaction in fandom these days. That social media sites seem to promote a more superficial following and interaction--we have more friends and followers, but we know less about them.

One of my fandom friends that also maintains an email correspondence with me said that these days, she doesn't always want that former level of interaction. It requires a great deal more energy on her part. I can see her point. We're all stretched pretty thin these days. I find it FAR easier to 'like' my friend's FB page than to answer her emails in detail. I think that's what sites like AO3 have taught us. A kudo is usually enough--until it isn't.

If I were in your shoes, I'd stop contacting this person. The ball's in her court now. She can choose to answer or not. :/

This happens to me frequently, BTW, so don't feel bad. I've gotten to the point where I tell myself my former fandom friends don't really want to hear from me, so I don't try contacting them. That may or may not be true, but I'm only going to keep trying so long before I give up...
shaddyr
Jul. 16th, 2015 04:02 am (UTC)
One of my fandom friends... said that these days, she doesn't always want that former level of interaction.

Oh, I get that. First, since I work on the computer all day, by end of day, I'm so ready to be offline. That makes it's hard to interact with online fandom.

Also, as I've gotten older, I've become more and more introverted. I used to think that introverted meant wallflower, but I realized it means I can only handle limited social interaction. That's why SQUEE weeknd works so well for me - its this perfect little group, just the right size so that I don't run out of cope.

... I tell myself my former fandom friends don't really want to hear from me, so I don't try contacting them.

Oh lordy, I so GROK. You and me, we clearly *relate*.

I suck at keeping up, or being on contact with any kind of regularity, but I do try, in my haphazard and flailing fashion, to stay in touch, maintain some connection with the people that are important to me. For the record, don't ever think that *I* don't want to be in contact with you, because that would be WRONG, FALSE, INCORRECT.

Just sayin'.

sgamadison
Jul. 16th, 2015 10:58 am (UTC)
She works on the computer all day as well. Most of the people I know who do have had it with online interactions by the end of the day. I spend my whole day talking. Talking, talking, talking. Explaining things, relaying information, etc. By the end of the day I don't want to speak to another living soul. I prefer online communication at that point because I can direct the terms of the conversation. I think that's why I hate IM and live chats so much. It might take me days to respond to your email, and I might wind up doing it when I should have been in bed hours ago, but at least I'm choosing when and where. :-)

I suck at keeping up, or being on contact with any kind of regularity, but I do try, in my haphazard and flailing fashion, to stay in touch, maintain some connection with the people that are important to me.

This is so me. Of course, by the time I realize I haven't heard from someone in a while, centuries could have passed. *red-face*

For the record, don't ever think that *I* don't want to be in contact with you, because that would be WRONG, FALSE, INCORRECT.

Aww! Thank you sweetie! Likewise, for sure. ♥♥&hearts





u_must_b_joking
Jul. 15th, 2015 05:08 pm (UTC)
Hugs
It's like coming back to the house after a game of hide and seek and finding out everyone left for ice cream without you. Timing is a mofo.

As much as we love our friends, sometimes they are clueless, sometimes they are mental, and sometimes we remind them of something they don't like in themselves and instead of embracing the darkness they split it off and try to stamp on their own shadows. Who knows what she's dealing with; it's enough that you're hurt. (Oh, look! In*this*universe psychic bandaids come with a signed picture of David Hewlett kissing Joe Flaherty!!)
shaddyr
Jul. 16th, 2015 04:06 am (UTC)
Re: Hugs
Timing is a mofo.

HA! You know it!

Oh, look! In*this*universe psychic bandaids come with a signed picture of David Hewlett kissing Joe Flaherty!!

You *KNOW* how to make me feel better.

I know you meant Flannigan, and this case, it is well and truly the THOUGHT that counts. And believe me, there are many, many thoughts...
u_must_b_joking
Jul. 16th, 2015 05:00 am (UTC)
Re: Hugs
I knew I should have IMDB'd it, we're watching other SG right now...
gaffsie
Jul. 15th, 2015 05:08 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry. It's always painful to drift away from old friends
shaddyr
Jul. 16th, 2015 04:18 am (UTC)
*hugs*
(Deleted comment)
shaddyr
Jul. 16th, 2015 04:18 am (UTC)
Sometimes the time space continuum warps...communication is tricky

It is possible that I may, at times, over-react, assume the worst, and generally fall into the trap of letting my insecurities get the better of me.

Thanks for putting up with me.
peteralway
Jul. 15th, 2015 06:49 pm (UTC)
Humans are completely beyond my understanding.
shaddyr
Jul. 16th, 2015 04:09 am (UTC)
Only visiting this planet?
Moi aussi!
peteralway
Jul. 16th, 2015 11:28 pm (UTC)
Re: Only visiting this planet?
Especially when they speak in French.
goddess47
Jul. 16th, 2015 02:25 am (UTC)
On the other hand, a quick drive-by after a long period of silence may not have been enough for your friend to tell you what's *really* going on in her life... she's so glad that you reached out that she's not going to burden you with her burdens...

But those burdens may be keeping her from reaching back.

I've kinda done that... painted myself into that corner and not shared what's gone on... to the point that it's too big of a 'dump' to bring someone else up to date. There's a really fine line between sharing RL woes and whining... and rather than be seen as whining, nothing gets said.

Ping occasionally as the mood strikes you. It may be more appreciated than you think.

{{hugs}}
shaddyr
Jul. 16th, 2015 04:15 am (UTC)
On the other hand, a quick drive-by after a long period of silence may not have been enough for your friend to tell you what's *really* going on in her life.

You are of course, correct. *sigh* I also may resemble McKay somewhat when it comes to myopia. See previously mentioned high schoolesque insecurities.

...to the point that it's too big of a 'dump' to bring someone else up to date.

I have done the same damn thing at times.

This is why I need to talk to other humans. Reality checks are important. Seeing beyond the end of my own nose is important.

Thank you for reminder that it's not ONLY ABOUT ME. I needed that.

melagan
Jul. 16th, 2015 11:25 am (UTC)
Brace yourself.

((((TACKLEGLOMP)))


The ol' ebb and flow of friendship tides. It sucks when you're not on the same page and have no idea how to fix it or even if you should try. goddess47 has an outstanding point though.






Edited at 2015-07-16 11:26 am (UTC)
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