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Unexpected request on Facecrack

I'm experiencing something of a conundrum.

While my mom was dying, I had some issues with my younger brother. We'd already been estranged for some time, but I kept trying to reach out to him. I really wanted to have a relationship with him, but it was certainly not mutual.

He came to see mom in the summer while AlabamaBro was up with me at mom's place. One afternoon, we were playing cards and I playfully (I thought) punched him in the shoulder, the way a sister might. He looked at me very coldly and said, "We don't have that kind of relationship." It was like a slap in the face.

A day or two later, he came into the house while AlabamaBro and I were out and grabbed a bunch of mom's stuff. Instead of discussing it with us when I asked him to, he accused us of being vultures, then came and grabbed what he wanted when we weren't there.

He also made a point of telling me that he and I were going to pretend to be friendly in front of my mom, but that we were not friends and had no relationship. I tried to talk things out with him, but as soon as I got the slightest bit emotional (I started crying) he accused me of being emotionally manipulative.

There was also a bunch of shite that happened around maintenance and subsequent sale of mom's house after she passed. After a few nasty exchanges, I ended up cutting off communication with him and going through pondside's lawyer to finish our business with the house. We haven't spoken since - I think that was 2006.

Yesterday, I got a friend request from him on FaceCrack. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. I mean, ok, on one hand, he was an absolute dick at the time. On the other hand, it was almost 10 years ago, maybe he's matured a bit? JazzyGirl thinks that he just did that thing where you ask to friend everyone that facebook suggests for you to friend. I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that LilBro would be deliberate about who he did and did not send a friend request to.

Bah. I'm just not sure what to do. And it's really annoying me.

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( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
popkin16
Aug. 17th, 2015 06:17 am (UTC)
Oh man, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. All I can really say is you should do what is best for you.
em_kellesvig
Aug. 17th, 2015 08:22 am (UTC)
It sounds like he set it up so he could take what he wanted from your mom by hurting you first and then had to hide for ten years to get over it. Not much to recommend him there.

To be honest, I haven't spoken to my sister since my mom died and that may be coloring my opinion. She hurt us all very badly over the years and we would have cut off contact with her years before if not for mom. So...I'm not sure how much of this is one bad act and how much is continuing toxicity that needs to be avoided. Only you know. As Popkin said, do what's best for you, not him.
sgamadison
Aug. 17th, 2015 12:05 pm (UTC)
Personally, I'd not only deny the request, I'd block him from any further contact on Facebook. He only wants something, and my guess it is NOT a warm fuzzy family connection. :-(
solomons_pond
Aug. 17th, 2015 01:49 pm (UTC)
Pondside says: If you're not going to be able to dismiss this and will always wonder if he was really reaching out, then you need to decide if emotionally you can take messaging him to ask why he would like to be friends now. My recollections of him were not pleasant, but people can change and people can grow. Whatever you decide we love you.

I says: *denied* but then I am _so_ not about people that have hurt me in the past.

(PS: pondside is still locked out of her LJ)
rahirah
Aug. 17th, 2015 02:09 pm (UTC)
Huh. Do YOU want to give him a second chance? If not, ignore him.
redaxe
Aug. 17th, 2015 02:32 pm (UTC)
Sounds like he really was a putz then. It's certainly possible that he has matured; it's also possible that he's still the same old, only older.

If it were me, I'd accept the request, with the intention of unfriending and blocking him if he showed he hadn't changed. Whether I'd say so explicitly is something I'd consider, and don't know if I'd do.

Good luck, either way, and remember, you need to care for you and yours to be able to support anyone else.
enigmaticblues
Aug. 17th, 2015 03:09 pm (UTC)
I think it's really up to you. On the one hand, being FB "friends" with him may help bridge the gap. It can be really casual, with no effort put into it. If he puts up a bunch of really annoying stuff, you can unfriend him and be done with it. Or, you can just be done with it and write him off. I don't think there's a right answer here, because he really didn't give you much to work with, even if it was ten years ago.
helenkacan
Aug. 17th, 2015 03:52 pm (UTC)
Colour me skeptical. For one thing, FB is not a mediator of family cohesiveness. One doesn't just forget about years or decades of disputes and emotional pain simply because one receives a FB friend request. Where is the personal e-mail with a sincere request to reconnect? Or is that too much of a stretch, requiring a more REAL form of communication?

I'd proceed with caution. Can you go onto his page to check out his public posts (and also see the way he interacts with his other "friends")? Depending on the evidence you see, then ask yourself the same question again.
gaffsie
Aug. 17th, 2015 04:48 pm (UTC)
Do what feels right to you. He was the one who hurt you, badly by the sounds of it, so he's in no way entitled to your forgiveness. If you don't think a friend request is enough of an olive branch, then ignore it.
spikespet7
Aug. 17th, 2015 05:02 pm (UTC)
I would decline. If he can't contact me by phone or face to face......for get it. Then again, he might have matured.....

What does you gut tell you? Can you live with whatever decision you make?

Kimber
alsogater
Aug. 18th, 2015 12:09 am (UTC)
I would be skeptical and cautious. Take a look at everything you have on FB that he could find out about you and your youngens and use to do you more hurt and/or damage.

If you ignore the request there is no hint to him that you even saw it. If he is sincere about a relationship with you, I agree that he should email you and/or call. Then you can just say 'oh, didn't see it cuz I rarely go there.'

melagan
Aug. 18th, 2015 01:06 am (UTC)
When he's serious about contacting you he'll pick up the phone. Even if it's legit, going the Facebook route screams juvenile.

However, if you do this, I suggest you get some hip-waders. I suspect you're going to need them.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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