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Ranty McRant a lot

You may want to read with caution, if you want to read at all. Because this post started with me triggering an old memory of being phyically assulted with my own writing - only me, man! And it pretty much ends with me ranting and saying fuck a lot. A LOT. Just sayin'.

So. That was really unexpected.

I wrote this scene where one character back-hands the other unexpectedly and scares the hell out of him. He's playing a role, he *has* to act this way or the bad guy will likely kill both of them. But it had been bothering me. Like, a lot. It fits, and it's the right action - the person he's pretending to be is 'that guy', he would totally act like that, totally do that. But still. Bothering me.

I got my draft back from the beta and finally looked it over and read the scene again for like the 17th time and I literally flashed back to the summer when, as a mouthy teenager, I was running a beach front store and my mother back-handed me across the face for something I said.

This was not terribly unusual, and I have a whole boatload of issues around my mother that could fill reams of paper. That's another story.

Next, and much more powerfully, I flashed back to Mr. Allen's science class in grade 9 when Brent the Bully slapped me across the face.

There were long tables in the center of the room, lab benches all around. it smelled musty, and it was probabaly Spring. Mr. Allen had left the room, who knows why. Brent was most likely insulting me by calling me nasty names, which was a daily occurance, and I probably lost my temper. I think I shoved him and made him stumble. I remember him looking surpised, then kind of angry - not furious, just annoyed - then he walked up to me and slapped me across the face in front of the whole class. Like it was nothing. Like I didn't matter.

When I re-read my second character's reaction, cradling his burning cheek with one hand and looking up in fear, I was suddenly hit with a very visceral memory of the utter humilation, complete shock - and no little bit of fear - that I felt after he hit me.

When the teacher came back, no one told him. I didn't say anything. It's not something you would talk about.

I'm ok. I'm not having panic attack or anything, though I sure felt panicky for a moment. Mostly, though, I think I'm angry. I'm fucking furious, truth be told. All the shit that asshole put me through, and his fucking friend Sheldon was just as bad. Those two made my life hell from Grade 7-9 till I went to a different high school. They made fun of me for breathing, for being fat, for reading science fiction, for liking Star Trek, for being a weirdo nerd. If anyone had known that I wrote stories in my note books about Captain Kirk, they surely would have mocked me for that. The teachers all knew how cruel these guys were, but no one did anything. There was never any fucking justice.

I may torture my characters some and make them angst some, but I will never just leave it like that, I will make it better. My fanfic is wish fulfillment and fixit and happy endings and humour because I fucking need those things and I'm so sick of assholes who say writing fic is a waste of time and I should grow up and if I'm going to write I should write something original and not steal people's idea and FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM ALL. They don't have to fucking read any of it, I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me and the people like me, and even the people not like me at all, who like fanfic and the same things in fanfic that I like, and fuck anyone who tells me what to think and what to feel and what to be, like there's something wrong with me because I don't fit into whatever box they think a woman my age should be in.

Fuck those fucking fuckers.

This entry was originally posted at https://shaddyr.dreamwidth.org/405870.html. Please comment wherever you want.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
desdemonaspace
Feb. 4th, 2018 11:12 pm (UTC)
Fuck those fucking fuckers indeed.

I had similar stuff happen, from my mother slapping me in the face (how degrading!) to bullying at school.

I swear, I'm on the wrong planet. I would NEVER relive my youth.

****hugs you****
shaddyr
Feb. 5th, 2018 06:40 pm (UTC)
*hugs back*

snogged
Feb. 5th, 2018 01:13 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

shaddyr
Feb. 5th, 2018 06:41 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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